Salt in My Cuts

Slut..

That's what he calls me.

     I haven't slept with anyone and I wouldn't even think about it ever. It's scary how much a person can impact your life. How he can come in and make you not want to love again..Maybe I have my whole life but as I lay here tonight I think about his touch, that laugh, those soft lips, his hands intertwined with mine. Most of all I think about how pathetic I am..I will never feel the same or even look at guys the same. Maybe he still loves me and we're both cruel to each other trying to make it look like we're both fine. I'm not. The pain I go through before I fall asleep is tough. And I'm told this is only for a time, but it feels like hell. There's times where I think about the last time we talked or I got to touch his face and I miss how rough it was even though before I hated it. I sometimes ask god to give me another chance to take it all in when I was with him but than it hits me..how more could I have taken every memory in more than I had or did.? It wouldn't be possible. His written letters with beautiful, stupid words. I can't sleep at night. Not without thinking that he was there, not without hoping the pain would just disappear, and it never does. 

Love

     It's a lost word. I can't decide whether I hate him or love him. I have to keep telling myself one day it won't hurt anymore, my heart will feel fine again. I wonder if he knows that I think about him..He probably does. In hall ways I pretend every ones fake..like they're not really there it's just me..by myself trying to push through. I can't decide whether I want to believe in love or not. Whether I want to try again. I'm lost at words. For now yeah I'm lost, I'm more than broken and I'm depressed. I can be called whatever they feel like I should be labeled as. It's nothing more than words and paper masks..I love him, I hate him. But more than anything I miss him. I can't be ridiculed for missing him can I.? Maybe..

To touch his face again, to look into those eyes. But I have to pretend he was just made up in my mind ♥

Letter From Me

There's days where I feel like I can't breath anymore, where I just want to break down and wish it all could be taken away easily.

Clean slate.

I can feel you slipping away but its myself pushing you as I count down the days till you leave. I'm afraid to lose to keep holding on to something that's not going to stay that's eventually going to slip from my grasp. I saw it coming from a mile away, for so long I pushed you to leave when you held me in your arms and I cried. You held me when I felt like there was nothing left of me to keep holding to. You talked to me about loving him and I don't think I've ever met anyone so loving so patient with my heart. You have stood there and taken every hard blow, wiping my tears away when I should have been left in the dust. You told me 'He'll come around' you hoped for me when I had no hope to even call faith.

I have bought soo many band-aids to heal myself when you were secretly bandaging my heart, every laugh you tried to pull from my mouth. Every time we fought I walked out and you never came after me but your heart did. I've driven to places where he and I sat and I've cried and you sat there and took it all in, holding my hand pulling me in closer when I didn't want to be touched. Maybe he left me broken, maybe I'm still broken inside where I won't let you reach, but you've tried.

Message from me to you

He told me to come back to you, maybe he's right I should come back pretend that he never happened but I know he did and you do too. One day you said 'I know you'll always have a deeper connection with him, than you ever had with me. It doesn't matter that I was your first but he was your best and just that alone I know your heart will always love him, you'll always have that stronger, deeper connection with him.' and I looked at you so angry so hurt, with the tears streaming down my face and said "I'm not sure why I love him, but I always will and it kills me that I did this to you, almost unforgivable. Yet you've taken me in and say it's okay. When my heart aches for him alone.." Maybe love is a foolish thing, and I'm just in High School but my heart has more understanding than I do. I'll finally get it one day, or maybe I never will..But you're right I'll always love him. No matter how much I don't want to, how much I hate him for everything he's put me through..I will. Maybe he doesn't deserve my love, but he deserves some kind of love..I may be the girl in the dark walking away from him trying not to hold on but we both know if he called my name I would look back. I love you Eddie and I can't thank you enough for everything you have given me. I can't thank you for showing me a kind of love that doesn't die easily and even though it's hard at times you still loved me through all of them. When My anger was turned into rage and I threw punches and you took every single hit whether it was mentally or physically..You took it. I do have a love for you, but I don't think it's the love you wish it would be. My love is of respect. I love you more than anything in this world, I couldn't ask for a better best friend. I know I can run to you with tears in my eyes and you'll hold me. I know I'll hear that heart beat again when we hug, but for now it seems like the heart is disconnecting haha. Maybe for the time being this is my turn to bandage myself while your bandaging others. No guy have a loving heart like you do. It's going to be hard. That much I can understand from my heart, but it will never change the fact that I'll have to find happiness within myself and not others, a smile I can build on my own without anyone else using tools to help, and a laugh that will carry on no matter how much I hate the sound of it, but love the feeling. Maybe this is my time to see that I'm stronger than what I think. I'll always have that special kind of love for you, but as for Brandin we both know I'll always have that certain love for him also. Sometimes the eyes hate seeing what's meant to be seen and the heart feel what the hearts meant to felt.

I know My slate isn't clean what so ever..I atleast know you tried to help me through and I can't thank you enough. I do love you Eddie, maybe it's not what you want but its what I have and if you take that with you than that's all I can ask for.

I haven't been the best, but You have.

This isn't Goodbye but I'll see you than<'3

Goodbye

I will always care, always love you and always cherish what we had.

Pushed Out

They wonder why I am so bitter to them, why I close my door and lock them out of my life. You criticize me and I'm sick of it so this is me pushing you out.

Leave me alone. You've done nothing more than hurt me.

Forgetting you the hard way

I use to laugh it was like you were the air i breathed for the longest time that when you left I forgot how to breath how to take it all in and let it all back out like my chest couldn't lift the weight because something had collapsed. I'm not going to say that I'm over you because I'm not. No, not all and I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed because you were the one I leaned on, counted on and I had no idea that I was letting you down..and I guess I would have never known especially because you never told me. I thought about the future with you. I thought about growing old and smiling up at you when you said 'I do.' You told me no future. I chased after you over and over..and not once did I feel you cared praying that maybe you'd come back maybe if I just leave him alone for so long he would come back tell me how much he missed me how sorry he was..but all that came my way was a boy who took every inch of my heart and threw it to the dogs watching them rip it apart you held on to me tightly until that kiss, that sweet touch and embrace drowned out the hurt took me and held me for a minute and than it was back again but ten times worse. Dropping me off never hearing from you again. I laid in bed wondering if I had meant ANYTHING to you and everything told myself you didn't so it was easier for me to hate you easier for me to try and get back. I felt like I was almost looking through this window watching myself stumbling and all I could do was tell myself it was okay to tell myself to get the fuck up and stop crying and finally I hat enough and broke the window grabbing my hair and shoving my face into the dirt. "You're nothing more than dirt" it felt like a damn dream. Like eventually it would end some days holding myself in walking around feeling alone to just feeling music and nothing mattered our year turned into you fucking everything and anything that was in your path. I think I get it now and it's hard forgetting you. So I'm telling you I love you but I hate you. I hate you because it's easier that way. I guess its just forgetting you the hard way.

Raw

There is no story line behind this and as I sit here with tears stinging my eyes I realize more and more how much I would love to just feel him there. They say dreams are worth holding to but it's so hard to do when it feels like you're in this constant in and out. I sit at night staring at my ceiling thinking if not now, when and if not that, than what? My head dances in these circles in and out of what I need and what I wish I would feel. This constant battle against myself. Stand up be strong, when I cry and I lay feeling so hopeless. Forget what happened? Erase what was? Easier said than done. I come sprinting back to him, maybe this time it'll be different but it haunts me and so do words. I swear sometimes I wish I could just know what he was thinking just once. Is this real..? I can't tell anymore when I'm pulled close and than pushed far. My heart some chew toy and I'm the rag doll. I want to feel worthy to be held in his arms. Held so close and stand so far, what have I even done with my own heart?. Build strength and then let myself down when I change my mind. Tear stained face and silent words said out loud but kept in the air so quiet..The same words come rushing out and her mouth moves to fast they can hardly understand and he stand there heart in hand so sincere, so discreet and I look into those beautiful eyes and take hold..I'm rubbed raw. I say all these things and take breaths, this time he'll answer back. Not a note. I can hear the wind singing and the birds joining its all to real to listen to and then I go running far. get lost and never look back. Broken down and struggling hanging on every word I say. He says it hurts to hear the mention of my name. But it hurts to be holding close maybe this time he'll say it. He'll never know until he forgets the past and simply be mine. Music notes spill out of my mouth like words everything kept inside, every secret buried far beneath my skin and you'll never know what they are. I'm rubbed raw, scrubbing every dirty thing out of my skin and drowning in this water, don't pull me out let me go and I'll find away. I'm rubbed raw

To Erase Me..

Take what you can get, just like the rest. Strip me away and see all the flaws the pain and just me. Not once has it ever seemed to sting this bad. Anger, rage burning through my veins like venom it screams and tears at me, just killing me inside. Take it all. Tear me out of my comfort zone and throw me out. You hear me? No. No you hear yourself, your own voice and the noise around you. Not a word from my mouth reached you. Never once had I betrayed you, not once. I stand in the same place where you left me. You took everything that I could offer, maybe my parents are hard heads tearing me apart like a hurricane. I hold on to nothing but myself hurt and pain. she's like glass better left broken then to hurt yourself putting her back together. Open wounds just stretched out bleeding. They laugh like I'm this joke and it echo's through my skin, like ink set it. It never leaves.

Defender? a joke. You? left me here. Goodbye. Not an option. Together? Fell apart. Pinky Promises..broken.

Erase Me. You should. Take me all, 'I'll show you My love' but yet I feel like It was never enough. You haunt my dreams, you call me out and leave me broken. Erase you? I can't, You're like a movie that burns in my memory and it keeps you there. Every touch, every word, a girl never forgets. I am just a fool that  feel in love with someone who walked away. I've fallen not just a short distance but from this world, from the edge. I can't help but see how pathetic I am. Just a girl. That's what I am. Like the rest. I feel so distant and lost, running my mouth in circles but never being heard. I thought you, but here I stand empty handed and hurt. Erase me? You should. Erase you? I can't.