Salt in My Cuts

Slut..

That's what he calls me.

     I haven't slept with anyone and I wouldn't even think about it ever. It's scary how much a person can impact your life. How he can come in and make you not want to love again..Maybe I have my whole life but as I lay here tonight I think about his touch, that laugh, those soft lips, his hands intertwined with mine. Most of all I think about how pathetic I am..I will never feel the same or even look at guys the same. Maybe he still loves me and we're both cruel to each other trying to make it look like we're both fine. I'm not. The pain I go through before I fall asleep is tough. And I'm told this is only for a time, but it feels like hell. There's times where I think about the last time we talked or I got to touch his face and I miss how rough it was even though before I hated it. I sometimes ask god to give me another chance to take it all in when I was with him but than it hits me..how more could I have taken every memory in more than I had or did.? It wouldn't be possible. His written letters with beautiful, stupid words. I can't sleep at night. Not without thinking that he was there, not without hoping the pain would just disappear, and it never does. 

Love

     It's a lost word. I can't decide whether I hate him or love him. I have to keep telling myself one day it won't hurt anymore, my heart will feel fine again. I wonder if he knows that I think about him..He probably does. In hall ways I pretend every ones fake..like they're not really there it's just me..by myself trying to push through. I can't decide whether I want to believe in love or not. Whether I want to try again. I'm lost at words. For now yeah I'm lost, I'm more than broken and I'm depressed. I can be called whatever they feel like I should be labeled as. It's nothing more than words and paper masks..I love him, I hate him. But more than anything I miss him. I can't be ridiculed for missing him can I.? Maybe..

To touch his face again, to look into those eyes. But I have to pretend he was just made up in my mind ♥