Raw

There is no story line behind this and as I sit here with tears stinging my eyes I realize more and more how much I would love to just feel him there. They say dreams are worth holding to but it's so hard to do when it feels like you're in this constant in and out. I sit at night staring at my ceiling thinking if not now, when and if not that, than what? My head dances in these circles in and out of what I need and what I wish I would feel. This constant battle against myself. Stand up be strong, when I cry and I lay feeling so hopeless. Forget what happened? Erase what was? Easier said than done. I come sprinting back to him, maybe this time it'll be different but it haunts me and so do words. I swear sometimes I wish I could just know what he was thinking just once. Is this real..? I can't tell anymore when I'm pulled close and than pushed far. My heart some chew toy and I'm the rag doll. I want to feel worthy to be held in his arms. Held so close and stand so far, what have I even done with my own heart?. Build strength and then let myself down when I change my mind. Tear stained face and silent words said out loud but kept in the air so quiet..The same words come rushing out and her mouth moves to fast they can hardly understand and he stand there heart in hand so sincere, so discreet and I look into those beautiful eyes and take hold..I'm rubbed raw. I say all these things and take breaths, this time he'll answer back. Not a note. I can hear the wind singing and the birds joining its all to real to listen to and then I go running far. get lost and never look back. Broken down and struggling hanging on every word I say. He says it hurts to hear the mention of my name. But it hurts to be holding close maybe this time he'll say it. He'll never know until he forgets the past and simply be mine. Music notes spill out of my mouth like words everything kept inside, every secret buried far beneath my skin and you'll never know what they are. I'm rubbed raw, scrubbing every dirty thing out of my skin and drowning in this water, don't pull me out let me go and I'll find away. I'm rubbed raw