Salt in My Cuts

Slut..

That's what he calls me.

     I haven't slept with anyone and I wouldn't even think about it ever. It's scary how much a person can impact your life. How he can come in and make you not want to love again..Maybe I have my whole life but as I lay here tonight I think about his touch, that laugh, those soft lips, his hands intertwined with mine. Most of all I think about how pathetic I am..I will never feel the same or even look at guys the same. Maybe he still loves me and we're both cruel to each other trying to make it look like we're both fine. I'm not. The pain I go through before I fall asleep is tough. And I'm told this is only for a time, but it feels like hell. There's times where I think about the last time we talked or I got to touch his face and I miss how rough it was even though before I hated it. I sometimes ask god to give me another chance to take it all in when I was with him but than it hits me..how more could I have taken every memory in more than I had or did.? It wouldn't be possible. His written letters with beautiful, stupid words. I can't sleep at night. Not without thinking that he was there, not without hoping the pain would just disappear, and it never does. 

Love

     It's a lost word. I can't decide whether I hate him or love him. I have to keep telling myself one day it won't hurt anymore, my heart will feel fine again. I wonder if he knows that I think about him..He probably does. In hall ways I pretend every ones fake..like they're not really there it's just me..by myself trying to push through. I can't decide whether I want to believe in love or not. Whether I want to try again. I'm lost at words. For now yeah I'm lost, I'm more than broken and I'm depressed. I can be called whatever they feel like I should be labeled as. It's nothing more than words and paper masks..I love him, I hate him. But more than anything I miss him. I can't be ridiculed for missing him can I.? Maybe..

To touch his face again, to look into those eyes. But I have to pretend he was just made up in my mind ♥

Letter From Me

There's days where I feel like I can't breath anymore, where I just want to break down and wish it all could be taken away easily.

Clean slate.

I can feel you slipping away but its myself pushing you as I count down the days till you leave. I'm afraid to lose to keep holding on to something that's not going to stay that's eventually going to slip from my grasp. I saw it coming from a mile away, for so long I pushed you to leave when you held me in your arms and I cried. You held me when I felt like there was nothing left of me to keep holding to. You talked to me about loving him and I don't think I've ever met anyone so loving so patient with my heart. You have stood there and taken every hard blow, wiping my tears away when I should have been left in the dust. You told me 'He'll come around' you hoped for me when I had no hope to even call faith.

I have bought soo many band-aids to heal myself when you were secretly bandaging my heart, every laugh you tried to pull from my mouth. Every time we fought I walked out and you never came after me but your heart did. I've driven to places where he and I sat and I've cried and you sat there and took it all in, holding my hand pulling me in closer when I didn't want to be touched. Maybe he left me broken, maybe I'm still broken inside where I won't let you reach, but you've tried.

Message from me to you

He told me to come back to you, maybe he's right I should come back pretend that he never happened but I know he did and you do too. One day you said 'I know you'll always have a deeper connection with him, than you ever had with me. It doesn't matter that I was your first but he was your best and just that alone I know your heart will always love him, you'll always have that stronger, deeper connection with him.' and I looked at you so angry so hurt, with the tears streaming down my face and said "I'm not sure why I love him, but I always will and it kills me that I did this to you, almost unforgivable. Yet you've taken me in and say it's okay. When my heart aches for him alone.." Maybe love is a foolish thing, and I'm just in High School but my heart has more understanding than I do. I'll finally get it one day, or maybe I never will..But you're right I'll always love him. No matter how much I don't want to, how much I hate him for everything he's put me through..I will. Maybe he doesn't deserve my love, but he deserves some kind of love..I may be the girl in the dark walking away from him trying not to hold on but we both know if he called my name I would look back. I love you Eddie and I can't thank you enough for everything you have given me. I can't thank you for showing me a kind of love that doesn't die easily and even though it's hard at times you still loved me through all of them. When My anger was turned into rage and I threw punches and you took every single hit whether it was mentally or physically..You took it. I do have a love for you, but I don't think it's the love you wish it would be. My love is of respect. I love you more than anything in this world, I couldn't ask for a better best friend. I know I can run to you with tears in my eyes and you'll hold me. I know I'll hear that heart beat again when we hug, but for now it seems like the heart is disconnecting haha. Maybe for the time being this is my turn to bandage myself while your bandaging others. No guy have a loving heart like you do. It's going to be hard. That much I can understand from my heart, but it will never change the fact that I'll have to find happiness within myself and not others, a smile I can build on my own without anyone else using tools to help, and a laugh that will carry on no matter how much I hate the sound of it, but love the feeling. Maybe this is my time to see that I'm stronger than what I think. I'll always have that special kind of love for you, but as for Brandin we both know I'll always have that certain love for him also. Sometimes the eyes hate seeing what's meant to be seen and the heart feel what the hearts meant to felt.

I know My slate isn't clean what so ever..I atleast know you tried to help me through and I can't thank you enough. I do love you Eddie, maybe it's not what you want but its what I have and if you take that with you than that's all I can ask for.

I haven't been the best, but You have.

This isn't Goodbye but I'll see you than<'3